No control

April 5, 2016 at 9:00 pm (Uncategorized)

FB_IMG_1459298725091‘The One’ appears to be taking a sebatical.  I fight inside, feeling angry, wanting him to want to take care of me during these moments of need.  On the flip side, I have to smash my anger, I offer him nothing real, nothing to come home to at night, he deserves to feel continual love and companionship.  I need to quit being a selfish bitch.

While he has been away, a new work friend and another Aries man have been keeping me company.  Both of these men have a lot of knowledge and wisdom to offer, among other things.

While they help the time go by, they still don’t hold a candle to ‘The One’. The connection I have with him is so unique.

 

 

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Dismissal

November 16, 2015 at 9:06 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

I try so hard to stop myself from dismissing ‘The One’. I did it the first time around and he left.  I have an issue where eventually, I dismiss them all.  I build them up then I freak out and try to protect myself by saying things that push them away.  It happens without me recognizing it.  Only later does the reality of what words and emotion I shared become apparent.  ‘The One’ was strong, he didn’t just walk away this time, this time he called me on what I said and it isn’t often I confirm a man is right, but this time I acknowledged defeat.  I have been cautious to treat him with only acceptance and compassion, because he deserves that, I am sad I had a moment of destructive words, but thankful he was strong enough to respond. I will keep trying to grow this soul in ways that improve the lives of those I love.

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Light it up

August 13, 2015 at 12:07 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

My YoungElectrician is at my office today… he is such a tease.  He knows how much I like to see him on ladders, imagining the things I could do with great access and an empty building…. He messaged the other day, and we talked for a bit.  I am torn between continuing the occasional conversations or just closing the door to a building I know I don’t want to live in, and a building that has an odd effect on my soul, it is something about his presence of innocence makes me desire more emotional connections.  We all know, the emotional connections are seriously dangerous.  Especially, when you know that the logistics would be nearly impossible to maintain happiness for either individual.  Not to mention, I have accepted my soul belongs with someone already, and there is just no denying it.  Damn though, if this youngElectrician doesn’t get my endorphins flowing.  Sending me messages about fixing lights under my desk… I am such a slave to physical interactions and fantasizing about them.  I suggested next time he expects to work in my building, to give me a heads up, so I can dress appropriately, in a skirt…because the empty stairwells, have no eyes. 😉

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Are all things cyclic?

August 5, 2015 at 8:19 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

This is how it starts….after months of eye contact and chemistry, the contact is made, the words start to express the chemistry going on.  Once enough words have passed that the tension is intense, there is a meeting of the physical.  Then logic hits them, and they back away while they try to fight the connection.  I patiently wait, with my keeper in my bed.  Then they return… game on boy.

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The Young Electrician

July 24, 2015 at 10:12 am (Uncategorized)

The YoungElectrician, he stalked me for months… he would walk by my work desk, and his gaze would penetrate me.  I could feel the chemistry, and I did my best to avoid seeing him at all costs.  When I knew where they were working, I would avoid the area on purpose.  Then one day, he messaged me via social media.  Apparently, he walked by enough times he saw my name tag.  I responded, and clarified I was married, he said he just had to talk to me and understood I was married.  So, we talked…. He discussed his thoughts, his beliefs, his desires, I fantasized about the love he still believes in.  He was a turning point in my soul, one that helped me realize that I somehow got off track and my belief about myself had lost value.  As I pulled him close but pushed him away, he finally left.  He would talk about the future and how he could see us together, I would dismiss him, every time.  People can only be dismissed for so long, and then they have to believe me.   I miss him, his innocence, his romantic beliefs.  He is too young, 15 + years younger than me, I could not bring myself to let him miss out on the things in life that I already have lived through.  Maybe he can have the love he believes in, and maybe he will learn about love the same way I have.  I don’t know, but I do know, I will not be the woman to break him, I can’t do it, I won’t do it.

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10 Year rule

March 9, 2015 at 8:59 pm (Uncategorized)

I have a ten year rule, men can’t be more or less than 10 years my age.  The rule is really because I don’t want to be manipulated by someone too much older and experienced and I don’t want someone younger to fall in love with me, cause they just don’t know how the whole men/women thing works yet.  Yet, I have been talking to this guy who is young, he is in his early 20s.  He is not as damaged and tired as we are when we are in our late 30s.  Interesting really, he plays instruments and believes in love.  I thought, really, who does that?  Then I remember….  All the men I seriously dated through my youth were artists or romantics, song writers, musicians, deep soulful men.  It wasn’t strange for me to find love notes on my car and flowers at random moments, even if they were drawn flowers…. Funny, when I think of the man I married, he is so masculine and he has romantic moments, but his soul doesn’t live in that deep world of love and obsession.  I do think that is how he and I have lasted so long. I think my type is to love hard and fast, delve too deep that emotionally it is just too much work to live in.  Sometimes I wonder if it is just a human thing, to always think of ways to escape, think of ways to find love and connection.  My fault is that sex is involved in that connection.  I struggle to avoid it, I crave it and once I have learned about their body and soul, I slowly let them go.  Let them go to live the life they were meant to live, not to remain with me.  Almost like forever is not a concept I really grasp, and maybe not one I desire.

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Boxed for Xmas

December 12, 2014 at 12:43 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

I am like a roller coaster.  One moment I feel like my life is perfect, another moment I feel like I am living a huge lie.  The ‘one that got away’ is the main cause.  He backs off and I reclaim my moments.  He pursues and I fall into him.  He is everything I want and nothing I want all rolled into one.  Emotion vs logic.  I would make him miserable.  I would trap him into a nice and neat box and he would never be happy there.  He would appear happy though, he would believe he should be happy.  This may be part of my problem.  I really can’t see how lifestyle can make people happy.  What makes me happy is connecting to others.  I could careless about the package, yet, I own it.  I have the package, others envy it, and I must value it in a way or I would not have created it for myself.

Can two people want each other in all the wrong ways?  How does it work, when you have such a strong connection, when you feel you are soul mates, but no similar interests in living the same lifestyle or enjoying the same things?  I fear it doesn’t, which is why I keep living here.  I live in a perfect little world with the perfect little family.  I do this for my children, for my husband, I am meant to run free, but I will remain boxed.  Afterall, I do enjoy being boxed at least 50% of the time.

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Show me unconditional

July 8, 2014 at 8:54 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

As things progress, as I reread my past, as I view events in new light.  I start to feel selfish.  Who am I, to communicate and make someone feel important to me, and then keep denying them the option of being with me.  Like I am playing a little game, I need to control myself. I am feeling like I should warn The One That Got Away and tell him to run, and not look back.  What is wrong with me? 

I really have a small army that I feel, think they are backups.  At anytime they would jump at the option to be my next relationship.  Can I really have so many fooled? Maybe I just select those that typically pick women worse than me and therefore they think highly of me. 

So possibly, I really don’t see my worth, so the fact that others do, makes me view them as unknowing?  Why do I doubt that they would really want to be with me?  Why do I feel like they would see the ‘truth’ and would be unhappy with the result.  Does it go deeper than just my relationships with men?  If it is only with men, then what game am I playing and with what price do I pay?  I just don’t know how to separate, friendship and romance. I don’t really know how to be just friends with men.

Reminds me of something that occurred with my son the other day.

Someone new to our lives, was joking around with him that if he misbehaves and is naughty, then we would sell him to someone else.  My son responded with ‘no one would want to buy a naughty boy’ and wasn’t sad sounding, just matter of fact. I responded with, ’I would buy you, over and over, for how ever much I had to pay.’ He smiled, a smile that I will never forget.  Maybe that is where this is from…. We know that most relationships are conditional, conditional on things remaining to make someone happy, and if things no longer make you happy, you end or change the relationship.  Where for my son, I will always be there and always want to be there, no matter what he ever does.  I can’t logically expect a romantic interest to be unconditional, because even marriage, documents the conditions of being there.  

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History repeats itself

May 16, 2014 at 11:04 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

I have had some time alone lately…. a lot of it. I have spent most mornings crying. I think it is mostly because for the last 7 years, I have been so busy that I have’t had time to think or time to just be and feel. I opened my journal and was going to start writing about how lovely my life is, and it opened to a letter I had written ‘the one that got away’, although I never gave the letter to him. I cried hard as I read it and realized how much I still feel like I did then. He is my soul mate. That sentence is hard to write, because I believe I am married to the man I am suppose to be married to and raise my family with. I do believe that each person/soul has a unique purpose in our journey. I am now debating if I share the letter and journal entry with ‘the one that got away’ or if I should keep it to myself. I feel I have clearly expressed to him how much he means to me, while at the same time making it fairly clear that I have no plans to adjust my current situation. What a fucking joke, not sure who the hell I think I am. As I read through my entries, I have quite the pattern of loving two men and having two men love me and feeling torn. It is an interesting existence to say the least.

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Dreams offering resolve

April 8, 2014 at 3:49 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I had some vivid dreams last night…. I woke up feeling resolve.  The last few weeks, I have been coming to terms with some things.  When I am in The One That Got Away’s arms, I feel hopeful that I am the most desired, I feel loved.  I have craved those moments, I spent 2 weeks, longing to communicate, more that I have in the past during the 2 week no communication period.  I was worried, I was feeling like my marriage was in danger, because I may walk away for him.  I saw The One That Got Away again, and it healed all the sadness I was feeling, refreshed me and instead of longing, I felt back in charge.  Last night, I looked through his profile and revisited his life he lives on a daily basis, and felt good about the fact that he and I are not meant to be together every day.  I felt like I was in the right place and I am still solid where I am.  Then my dream, in my dream The One That Got Away and I were in a large group, and he was having wild relations with some foreign babe, and I was trying to act as though I was okay with it.  I wasn’t though, it was hurting and I was unhappy that he may have desire for her.  Then my next dream, same night, my husband was telling me of an intimate experience that he had recently and I remember thinking it was he and I but that my memory was not great, and then he brought me to reality that it was between him and another woman.  I woke up feeling sad.  The resolve is that, The One That Got Away, is enjoying what I share but really, I have no importance to his life and can be replaced easily.  My hubby, loves me, but can’t give up those other experiences, and I am okay with it, in the sense that if he did, I would have to.  So, we carry on, and I feel strong that I don’t want to adjust my life plans, and that casual and disconnected, is the way to carry on with The One That Got Away.  

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